Because You Love Me (Falling for You, Book Three) Read online

  Victoria squinted at me, my sudden speechlessness arousing her suspicion. I flagged down a bartender and took my shot. It did nothing for the apprehension in my throat or the ache in my chest. I wasn’t ready to admit that it was all a damn smoke screen to pretend that what we had was serendipity or a set of hopeful circumstances that clicked into place. While my father’s ultimatum threw us on a collision course, I asked her to be my girlfriend because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her. Big, bad, powerful Xander Wade, and I couldn’t even tell a woman, the woman, that I wanted to get to know her better. I hid behind the very ultimatum that I claimed disempowered me. I asked if she wanted 10k without blinking, like love was something to be bought. Like it was some sick charade. And I was upset, indignant, because Penny had a moment of wondering if I was full of it?

  I flipped the shot glass upside down, chuckling bitterly. “You want to know something fucked up? A week ago, I would have believed that you were right to think I was up to no good. That I would just hurt Penny.” I glanced over and Victoria was listening intently, her lips pressed into a skeptical line. “But she brings out the good in me. The me that’s vulnerable. The me that goes to bat for the people I care about. The me that’s capable of loving and being loved.”

  My words were just sappy enough that heat rushed to my face and I almost winced. The old Xander would have chuckled uncomfortably, probably flirted to diffuse the sticky sweetness of my words. I didn’t run from the embarrassment that had me tapping my foot and fighting the urge to get out of dodge. I knew that feeling had roots with my father. I could hear him growling for me to man up. What did being a man get him? A wife that was terrified of him and terrified of being alone. A wife that kept her past in a box, lovingly caring for and protecting every hidden piece like someday it would all be waiting for her, just where she left it.

  I wouldn’t let my life pass me by. I refused to lose the best thing in my life because I let my pride take the wheel. I wouldn’t be my father, with wealth and fear the only currency that mattered, facing death with the only thing to show for it a name that would one day turn to dust. And I wouldn’t waste one more moment explaining myself to a woman that wasn’t worth the energy.

  “Congratulations, Victoria,” I said with all the joy and well wishes that I could muster. I rose and buttoned my jacket, spinning toward the exit...where Jenna was waiting, all teeth, and clearly suffering from amnesia.

  I’d conquered the meddling bride, now there was just the disappearing ex—then I could find Penny.

  The closer I got to Jenna I thought that anger and all my unanswered questions would drown me, but as I waded through the guests, I found myself having a different reaction altogether. Our unsolicited reunion had ripped me from the best day in recent memory. I’d flipped through every page in the reaction dictionary from ‘Am I still breathing?’ to ‘Well, I guess I should ask her where the hell she’s been’. To be honest, her whereabouts since she ended things were irrelevant. She was currently standing in the way of me getting to my actual girlfriend.

  “Excuse me,” I chewed the words, knowing full well I wasn’t getting rid of Jenna that easily.

  Jenna swayed to the left, then the right, wrapping her arms tight around her body. I remembered the first time she’d done that and I thought she was like some enigma, dancing by herself, free, needing nothing and no one to glow brighter than anything I’d ever seen. But when her smile spread like she thought she’d ensnared me, I realized just how empty that little dance was. How empty our relationship was.

  “I have nothing to say to you, Jenna.”

  Her crafty smile faltered, but she beckoned me with her finger anyway. “Let’s dance, X!”

  X—her nickname for me. It used to make me feel special. ‘X marks the spot!’ she’d playfully explained the first time she’d tried it out, wrapping her vine-like arms around my neck. Now, it was just annoying. Manipulative. Little more than the opportunistic man who thought he was on a first name basis with me. He didn’t know me. She didn’t know me.

  “Get out of my way, Jenna.”

  Her pale eyes narrowed, her pout following suit. “Well, that’s no way to treat an old friend.”

  “Friend?” I snorted. She had brass ones. It was hard to believe I’d once found that wild, pouting thing she did not only sexy, but endearingly Jenna. “At what point were we friends? When you told me about how your first love disappeared, then did the same thing to me?”

  “Xander-”

  “Or is a friend whatever bullshit game you and Victoria have been playing?” I growled. “I haven’t seen or spoken to you in years, but we’re dating?”

  And just like she’d flipped some switch, Jenna dropped the pout, her stance hardening like she was ready to step in the ring. “God Xander, where is your sense of humor?” She swept agitated fingers through her chopped platinum locks. “Marie told me you lost it and now I can see that’s true.”

  My anger was already balancing on a tight rope and hearing my sister’s name made it snap in two. “Marie is behind this?”

  Jenna batted her eyes innocently. “Girls will be girls, Xander.” She picked at her nails nonchalantly. “If it makes you feel any better, I would have asked for more if I would have known you actually liked that brunette.”

  There weren’t very many instances where I was totally blindsided, but looking at my ex, the first woman I said those three words to, the first woman I dared to imagine a future with...I was stunned. I realized I never knew her at all.

  I didn’t want to waste one more second on her, instead using my anger to navigate my way to the exit. Even outside, finally able to breathe, not sharing air with that conniving-

  I powered forward, leaving that toxic energy behind me with every step. Victoria, my sister, my ex, it was all irrelevant. Right now, I had to get to Penny.

  Every call went to voicemail. I left a text, asking her to call me back, fighting the urge to unload the whole sordid mess in a series of confusing texts.

  I needed to hear her voice. See her face.

  Behind the wheel, I pointed my car in the direction of her hotel. I knew her room number and knocked to no avail. Deciding that she wasn’t back, I leaned against the wall, ready to wait as long as it took. The whey protein walking advertisement that ambled down the hall toward me an hour in had other ideas.

  I could hold my own, lean and muscled with my own gym membership to show for it. I didn’t bat an eye as he flexed his muscles, giving me a once over.

  “Are you a guest at the hotel, sir?”

  I loosened my tie casually. “Just waiting for my girlfriend.”

  He smiled like it was Christmas. It probably wasn’t often that he had the opportunity to wield actual power or authority. “Unless you’re a registered guest, I’m going to-”

  I whipped out my phone, finding the number for the hotel in an instant.

  He took another step. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you-”

  I held up a finger, the chipper voice of the receptionist pouring out of the receiver. “Hi, yes. I’d like to make a reservation.”

  The security guard’s head looked ready to explode. Two hours later, with no sign of Penny, I walked downstairs and handed over some twenties, asking the receptionist to call me when Penny returned.

  The call never came.

  Chapter Three: Penny

  I waited until I was fairly certain that Xander would have given up hope and my sister was buckled in, her plane headed to Hawaii before I slinked back to my hotel. Even though I was far from VIP or celebrity status, I tucked my chin to my chest and hustled through the lobby. The elevator was on my side as it shuttled me up to my floor. My stomach was a twisted mess until I slipped inside my room.

  I braced myself for another floral sneak attack, every square inch coated in red rose petals and regret. I flipped the light switch and heart skipped right off the cliff when there was no sign of anything but the disaster I'd left. I stepped over a pile of dirty clothes, the t
angle of charging cords, and my opened suitcase. My bed covers were torn back, the pillows fluffed just right. It was like fate knew I was going to have an awful day and would need to just collapse into something warm and familiar.

  I had one order of business to attend to first. I trudged to the bathroom and halfheartedly flipped the light switch. I expected to be startled by the transformation; Cinderella morphing into a wilted, rotten pumpkin. I looked the part—the braided masterpiece was now a frizzy, greasy mess with stray hairs sticking out everywhere. My skin glowed like the sun before but now I looked pale and gray. Makeup? What makeup. And the dress...

  I glared at my reflection as I craned my arms behind me and pulled the ribbon, the tightness, the weight, lifting as the bodice loosened. Watching my thorough unraveling, I wasn't startled by the woman that looked back at me in nothing but a strapless bra and a silly taffeta skirt. I was ashamed.

  I was twelve years old when I convinced myself that being invisible was better than being Penelope Robertson. P.E. was tantamount to water boarding for any kid unlucky enough to not be athletic or popular. After being the last one picked (and the sole reason that my team lost, even though I was one of the first to be knocked upside the head with a rubber ball), I skittered to the locker room, utterly terrified. I was sure that the captain of our team, Lisbeth Peters, was going to continue listing off all the ways I sucked. If I could have hidden in the bathroom until everyone left, I would have—but since there were only three stalls, that would have put a bigger target on my back. Instead, I picked the farthest corner of the locker room and took my precious time getting undressed. I huddled beneath the last shower head, away from Lisbeth and her friends. I clutched my brush for dear life as I stood in front of a mirror tucked in the corner, praying they wouldn't notice me. And they didn't. I was invisible. It was a victorious moment...and one of the loneliest of my life.

  Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

  My newfound ability to shrink myself as tiny as possible had its perks. At home I stopped fighting my mom when she tried to force highlights and Lacoste on my body. For a woman that couldn't stop talking, my silence was a repellant and she just gave up. My sister was aglow with relief. No more loser little sis riding her coattails, no more being forced to include me in social functions. I stopped asking, and she certainly wasn't going to voluntarily pick up the mantle.

  When it finally kicked in that I was disappearing, so invisible that I couldn't see myself, I fought to reclaim my voice. I wasn't trying to fit in anymore; I just wanted to exist. I discovered that I could do more than just take the name calling. I felt overwhelming pride when my teacher handed back projects and tests that I'd slaved and stressed over and there was a red A at the top of the paper. And even though I was too afraid to speak up, I glared at bullies whenever they zeroed in on other social pariahs like me.

  College was a life changing experience, and not just because I finally grew into my skin and was far away enough from my family that I only saw them on holidays. Studying at a women's college I found a sense of community with other young women from all backgrounds. I learned that we all had a voice; we all had a story and it was our duty to ourselves and the world to share it. I landed my dream job and put ‘Pee Pee Penelope’ and that little girl hiding in the locker room behind me.

  Or so I thought.

  I dropped my eyes guiltily, jerking my hands toward the sink. The water licked my skin, but it didn't wash away the stain of regret. Unpacking all the ways today went wrong was headache inducing. I scooped a palmful of water in my mouth, gargled it, and spit it out.

  I shut off the stream, the drips like cymbals crashing together. When I looked back at the mirror, I chewed my bottom lip. "I shouldn't have run."

  As if something inside me shook loose and was ready to follow up that statement with 'duh', a flurry of knocks erupted at the door.

  Xander!

  I quickly splashed water on my face, releasing the last few strands from my braid and shook out my wild locks. I didn't have time to check if I'd actually made myself look better, tripping over stuff as I pulled on leggings and a black tunic. I almost yanked open the door, but remembered there was one other person it could be. The tightness in my chest made the steadying breath I tried to take impossible. I looked out the peephole and frowned.

  My sister, who was supposed to be well on her way to Hawaii, was staring back at me.

  I debated ignoring her, just climbing into bed and sticking my fingers in my ears until she went away. But children hid from the monsters under their bed—growing up meant facing your fears head on.

  I opened the door, my voice as hollow as the patience that evaporated into thin air. "Why are you here?"

  Victoria gulped and her hand shot to her ear, twirling the golf ball sized diamond earrings she wore. It hit me just how much she looked like our mother, clinging to shiny things instead of facing ugly reality.

  "I just wanted to check on you." She gingerly reached for my hair. "You look awful, Penny."

  I pushed her hand away. "Why are you here, Victoria?"

  She dropped her arm back to her side, raising her eyebrows. "Are you going to let me in or am I going to stand in the hallway all night?"

  I could have told her that opening the door period was a gift she didn't deserve, but I didn't have the energy to go back and forth. I let go of the door and let her slip inside. She’d paid for the room anyway.

  I maneuvered through the mess to my bed and dropped down with a sigh. "Shouldn't you be on your honeymoon?"

  She had a tougher time navigating in her stilettos, nearly tripping over my laptop bag. "This room is a disaster area. I guess you finally caught up with me, huh?" She eased onto the bed beside me, crossing her long denim legs with a toothy grin on her face. "Remember when we were growing up and my room was always wrecked and yours looked like a military barrack?"

  "Military barrack," I muttered. "I remember your friends calling it the 'loser zone'. Laughing and saying it was so clean because I had no friends and no life."

  Her smile disappeared. "I'm not here to talk about the past."

  "Isn’t that funny? We seem destined to repeat the past whether we want to or not. You were a bitch to me growing up and you're a bitch to me now."

  She brought a hand to her cheek like I'd just slapped her. "I was never a bitch to you! You're my sister!"

  "Do you think just because you never called me names that somehow you're off the hook?" Victoria and I had never had this conversation before. I'd had it a dozen times with my therapist, running through the list of all the ways my sister disappointed me. My therapist would look into my eyes and tell me that when I had the strength to say the words out loud I'd be free. Right now, I was just pissed. "I get sibling rivalry. We were never destined to be thick as thieves, Victoria. But just once, I wanted you to look at your friends and tell them to lay off. To give them a look that shut them right up. They treated you like a freaking queen and would have done anything you said. Heck, I would have taken, 'no one picks on my sister but me!'. I didn't get any of that. You just let it happen. You said it was okay with your silence."

  And there went the weight. I closed my eyes and felt the heaviness of my confession pour from my heart, out my lips, and hang in the air. Whether or not she got it, or just rushed to give me some halfhearted apology, was irrelevant. I stopped hiding my hurt. I stopped caring about her feelings. I stopped worrying that I'd look weak or that admitting my pain meant they'd win. Me suffering and carrying that baggage was no victory. It was just another way to be invisible.

  This time when I looked in the mirror that hung on the wall, I didn't feel ashamed. She was right—I did look like a mess. I looked like I'd stumbled into a mosh pit and barely escaped with my life. My hair defied gravity. My shirt wasn't just inside out but I’d also put it on backwards. Makeup was smeared across my face. But I never felt more beautiful; more like me.

  My sister, usually the beacon of togethernes
s, the ice queen without the slightest crack in her perfect facade, looked like she was on the verge of tears. We shared a bathroom growing up and I remembered standing next to her, pretending to brush my teeth when I was really taking stock of all the ways we were similar; which meant I was really thinking about all the ways I wished I was different. Her blonde hair always looked like spun gold beneath the skylight. Her skin had a radiance long before she intensified it with bronzer and glittery lotions. Her eyes would burn like blue flames when she caught me gawking at her. She would rush me out of the bathroom, barely giving me time to spit out the toothpaste. Other than our last name, we had nothing in common, except for now. We were both dying for something, anything, to get us out of this awkward situation.

  She snapped to her feet, pointing at her eyeballs with her manicured fingers. "Do you see this? When was the last time I cried? You’re my sister, and I hurt you, and I'm sorry!"

  I blinked up at her, the emotion building in her eyes noted and irrelevant. "Do you know how many times I've cried? I lost count. And that's not even the point. A few hours ago I cried until there was nothing left-"

  "Because you thought your boyfriend was cheating on you," she butted in, flipping her hair over her shoulder like she was closing the case. "The thing is-"

  "You still don't get it." I didn't have the energy to raise my voice. I fully expected my reclaiming the mic to get lost in her talking me out of my pain. Saving face and somehow taking the sister of the year award home. Why wouldn't she? Her heart was in the right place, after all. "At first, yeah I was hurt because you could ask me to be your maid of honor literally seconds before you were due to walk down the aisle, then dig up my boyfriend's ex and throw it in my face. And Xander, and whatever is going on with his ex, was like a dump truck just unloaded a crapton of suckiness on me. But it wasn't any of that. Not really. It hit me a little bit ago why I cried. I cried because I thought that I'd come so far. I thought I'd grown beyond the Penny that let anybody make me feel small." I lifted my shoulders and my chin was sure, the chiseled angles unshakeable by her. By anyone. "I cried because what I should have done was tell all of you to go to hell."